Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Beta Waves

I love the time laying still before you sleep - how the mind flashes with pictures of memories and moments throughout your life. It's like being able to live through a lifetime again, in a few seconds. And still, those same feelings are there. It's really there, your experience, nestled inside your brain. I love how crystal clear these snapshots are. These precious seconds. Alhamdulileh, mashaAllah.


I really should write these stories. *sigh* One day, inshaAllah. I really would love to write them. But I need enough time and space to concentrate. I get so lost, so completely carried away by writing. And I need to be here. I am needed. Walhamdulileh.


Thursday, April 9, 2009

Speak the Truth, Even When it Hurts

Salaamu alaikum.

I removed my previous post stirring up so much dispute.

Upon further consideration, I agreed with one commenter that it would be more honest & useful (my words) to say the things I wanted to say directly to a particular person.

I have done that. May Allah forgive me if I was wrong to not address it to whom I should have in the first place. May Allah guide me & fellow muslims always to the correct adab. May fellow muslims forgive me if I have injured them. May Allah reward the sister who reminded me. Ameen.

There are a few points I wish to keep, which are my notes to all muslims:

1. We must be humble enough to always pursue truth, even when it hurts.

2. The point of this life is not to achieve happiness. The point of our creation is to worship Allah.
This life is a test. Happiness is nice to have, but it comes and goes, regardless of your status or
circumstances. When the going gets rough, people like to jump ship, or try to find a
different, "progressive" way to shore. What SHOULD happen - and of course we ALL need
practice at this - when Allah gives us tests, we turn EVEN MORE STRONGLY AND
FAITHFULLY TO ALLAH, saying, O Allah! HELP ME get through this! There is no helper but
you!

3. Don't stop seeking help from Allah because you are not getting the results you wanted. One
has to be patient, and persistant - maybe 'till the end of one's life. That's true patience. And
waiting with a truly open, thankful, rembering, faithful heart - not a suspicious heart, or one
that thinks, maybe semi-consciously, well, I'm only going to do X if you give me Y.

4. Count your blessings.

5. Weigh the consequences.

6. Allah LOVES those who ask for His Mercy! He LOVES those who rely solely on Him!Prophet
Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) taught us that NO ONE will get into Jannah by
his or her deeds alone. Not even himself. We will get into Jannah ONLY by Allah's Mercy. None
of us is anything near imaginably perfect, and it is His Mercy alone that is so Great and
Beneficient that he CAN forgive and show mercy. But we must want it and seek it.

7. What we should be seeking is happiness in the eternal world. Everything else is
GUARANTEED to be fleeting. It means nothing, because this life is just a short little test. All
muslims, all who know of the afterlife, the believers - their utmost heart's desire is Jannat
Firdaus. That is what we are striving for.

8. It is our job to speak about what is right. All imams remind us - again, again, and again. The
Qur'an reminds us - again, again, and again. We know what is right but we need to be uplifted,
inspired to receive it and have it hit home, maybe not today, but maybe next week. Don't have
the light drowned out or silenced because no one feels like seeing it.

9. It is the job of true friends, true brothers & sisters, to help guide us to that place of peace &
safety, the fold of Islam.

10. Those that state their religious opinions about what is true should bring proof.

11. We cannot solve or judge a dispute between two people when we have only heard one side of
the story. Note the story of Prophet David judging the dispute between two shepards.
http://www.angelfire.com/on/ummiby1/dawud.html

12. It is wrong to say with any certainty that a person "is going to hell."

13. In my opinion, it is useful to represent yourself online, seeing as hiding is something people
GREATLY try to do on the web, which hinders understanding, communication and empathy.

14. Check your arguements to make sure they make sense before you argue them.

15. Turning away from Islam is ultimately the responsibility of the sinner. Do not blame others.

16. It's not "okay to sin." (seems obvious, but.....) Just because we are human and we all sin does not mean that we should accept, welcome, love, or encourage sin. It is always a burden on the shoulders of the sinner; it is always something to seek Forgiveness for; it is always something to repent from. Oh, it's also not okay to start spreading the word that certain sins are not sins, just because you don't feel like they are anymore.

17. Do not state that if other muslims annoy you too much, you want no part of Islam either,
authu bileh.

18. It is appropriate to warn, in general, against behaviors that have been known to lead one
astray. Not to point fingers - but to speak directly to someone you have wish to communicate
with.

19. An illogical, inappropriate arguement is, "who are YOU to point fingers?" The whole "he who
has not sinned may cast the first stone" is a Christian ideology. You don't have to wait until
you are perfect, or superiorly pious (although one might be, inshaAllah, in order to be moved
by wayward behaviour) in order to address someone about what they should not be doing.
Those who say nothing may simply not care. Or, they might not be thinking deeply about the
larger repercussions of saying nothing.

20. In my opinion, it's a bunch p.c. bologna to say, "Let's not pass judgement!" about someone who's doing something wrong. Here's the deal: we're judging the sin. When we speak out against a sin, we're not saying one who sins "is a bad person." We care about the sinner. All souls, all people, are worth weight and worth guiding. (The whole "love the sinner, not the sin" is an acceptable concept as long as the sinner is in the fold of Islam.) So don't you worry - we're not casting anyone out, we're not castrating anyone from society - but we are judging behaviour. This is important. Judging between right and wrong is crucial. It does not mean we do not sympathize with the sinner. It simply means we must make clear which behaviors are wrong. We still love our friends, our loved ones - but we have criteria (religion) to judge their actions in this life, and to remind them about what is right and wrong.

The reason: to practice submission to the One God on the path of light that He has shown us: Islam.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Firelight

cold crystal snow chipped
winter'd afternoon

excitement rises
in the blood
in the bones

melting through the icing
round the skin

Sunday, August 3, 2008

New

I wasn't planning to write just now, but my friend inspired me to do so. What I want to say is small and quick, but so important to me.

I have been focusing much too much on negative things lately. Look at my last couple posts! My family has been noticing. I've gotten tense, angsty, easily angered, istaghfirallah.

My new things to work on: peace. Lightheartedness. Easy-goingness. Humor.

To bring it all back. InshaAllah.

To be that girl/person/woman that people knew and loved me for.

I need to shed the dark battle gear.

Monday, July 21, 2008

I Hate American "Policies" and May Be Ready to Skeedaddle

Begin rant: Americans and their stupid "policies."

I took my kids to this new waterpark by my parents' house. I was so excited to show them, as we discovered together the zero-depth wade-in pool that is 18" max, with slides, fountains, and generally a fun time.

A few days ago, I brought them to another kiddie pool, and felt bad because I didn't bring my own Islamic swimsuit (I wanted to test the environment first), but then when S. - my 14 mo. old - wanted SO BADLY to go in and I couldn't, we had to go (this was after about an hour, when she finally realized that she would like to go in there).

So today, I went to this new little waterpark fully prepared, wearing my Islamic swimsuit. I was pretty nervous about how people would react, but I took a deep breathe and walked in the play area.

First thing that happens when I'm just standing with S. in the less-than-ankle-deep water is, the lifeguard approaches me and says, "I'm sorry but we have a new policy. There's no clothes in the pool."

"This is swimsuit material."

"Well, even so - it's our new policy. Because the pool has drains that could suck your clothes. Could you just roll up your pants a little bit?"

I'm thinking, okay, she doesn't get it. But I say okay, and I just tie the pants in a knot at the ankle - not rolling them up, but they're not loose at the ankle, then.

I felt really anxious after that, but she left me alone. So then I eased myself into playing with my kids, all the while slightly on edge but trying to relax as I kept the lifeguards in my peripheral vision to see if they had any more problems with me.

After about 2 hours, when I felt more comfortable, the manager comes up to me.

"I'm sorry," she says, and she looks embarrassed and apologetic. "We have this new policy...we can't allow any clothing in the pool at all."

"Even if it's swimsuit material?"

"No....I don't know if you've been watching the news-" [I have - about the fluke accident with the 6 yr. old girl] "-but there's these drains. Your clothes could get sucked by them, with all that......material."

I stare at her.

She continues, "Don't you have anything else you can wear?"

"No."

"Not even like, some shorts, or a little tank top?"

I look at her, completely amazed. Does she really not get why I'm dressed like this???

"Nope."

"Well...." she was getting uncomfortable now, but - not as uncomfortable as me. Still I gave her an out.

I said, "Well, if it's policy, I understand."

"Okay!" she said, immediately perking up, glad to be able to get out of there, out of this terrible, awkward conversation. "Thank you! I'm sorry!"


Yep.


I was so mad/embarrassed, I just got the kids together and left. I thought about approaching her, and asking her nicely, because I was genuinely confused about why she thought I was dressed like this, "You know I'm wearing this for religious reasons, right?"

But I didn't. I didn't want to face more awkwardness, plus I was too mad - at America. I was getting shaky again.

***

Did you see the news story, with the 6 year old girl? Weird thing happened - what are the odds of this? A 6 yr old girl sat on a drain for an hour in a kiddie pool, and it sucked out her intestines. She went to the hospital, and died a few weeks later from complications due to the injury.

Tragic. But. In how many ways does that NOT apply to me and my situation? At least 5.


1. I am not 6. I am an adult.
2. I was not sitting on a drain.
3. The drain accident did not involve clothing.
4. The likelihood of my clothes getting sucked by these small yet clearly visible drains near the perimeter of the pool is microscopic.
5. Even if my clothes got sucked by the drain, how likely is it that this would injure me?

Having a pool AT ALL is a risk! So if they're looking to avoid all possible risks to innocent civilians, why have a pool at all????

The manager also told me, "We can't allow some people to wear clothes, and not others. It wouldn't be fair."

How lame is that argument? Just WHY can't they allow some people to do some things, and not others? Where does it say that in the Life Instruction Manual?

Fairness is NOT treating everyone exactly the same. It's giving different individuals what they need.

I am wearing these clothes FOR RELIGIOUS REASONS. Didn't they just break some other policy about freedom to practice religion?

Why don't they just put a sign on the front door that says, "Muslims Not Allowed?"

This "policy" business has p'od me off since even before I was muslim. It's blanket statements, blanket thinking that is lazy. Changing, adapting to unique circumstances would require too much thinking, too much interacting. Too much room for disagreement - which is what they are trying to avoid. "They" are incommunicado about "issues" in life. They put a period at the end of their Rules, so that there is no further discussion.

What this does is complicate life, instead of simplifying it. I have always thought so. It's not allowing people to just LIVE, free, and make their own judgements.

The business of "policies" has fostered a culture that is highly judgemental of others (oooh, spooky others), highly critical of anyone who IS different, anyone who DOESN'T follow lock-step into line and follow The Rules without blinking once or thinking twice.

***

Then. On the way home, I was at a stoplight when a giant pickup truck with 2 men pulled up next to me. We both had our windows rolled down, and my sunglasses were on.

"Hey!" yelled one man to the other. "Is that one of those s..o...ma...li..es?"

I whipped my head in their direction, whipped off my sunglasses, and looked them square in the eye.

"Whoa!" they exclaimed to each other. "....Hey! Are you one of those somali religions?"

"A MUSLIM?" I ask, impatiently. (I was in a bad mood by now.)

"Whoa!!!! You a muslim???" says one. The other says, "Whoaa!!!! You REALLY went deep, huh? Being a muslim?"

I shrug, completely bewildered by what THAT'S supposed to mean. The light changes, and I put the pedal down.

***

Things like this.

I feel sick of America, lately.

As much as I love my parents, and the green trees and green grass and general appreciation and awareness of a clean environment, I'm thinking, wouldn't it just make life a lot easier for us if we lived in a muslim country????

I am sick of sticking out like a sore thumb every where I go. Of ALWAYS being the odd one.

I'm sick of every time I turn on what should be an innocently educational show for my kid, he's bombarded with stuff about birthdays and other philosophical things/attitudes I don't support.

Of course I know I will still stand out in a muslim country, not being from there, originally. But it's in a GOOD WAY. When people see me over there, they do a double-take and they're like, "What? You're a muslim?" and then, "MASHAALLAH!" - they're HAPPY about it!

Whereas here, people are like, "Uh-oh." LOLOLOLOLOL


*sigh!*

WALHAMDULILEH FOR EVERYTHING!

My last line there made me smile, anyway!

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

My Complaint with the Better Business Bureau Against CVS Pharmacy

This is the complaint I just filed with the Better Business Bureau against CVS Pharmacy for what happened to me today (i.e. June 17) :

*********

Filed on : June 17 2008

Filed by :
**** ****
Address:******
*****

Filed against :
CVS Pharmacy Store #1751
2196 White Bear Ave.
Maplewood MN 55109

Complaint Description:
Date of problem: 6/17/08, approx. 12:30 pm.

I entered the store, leaving my 2 children in the car, as I was planning to be in the store for 5 minutes to quickly get 3 small items (I realize this is not a good idea and will not repeat this action). After being in the store approx. 5 minutes, a female employee approached me and asked rudely, "Do you have a black car?" I replied "yes," and she responded, completely nastily, "You better get out of here or I'm going to call the police." "Why?" I asked, surprised. "You have two children in the car!" she shouted. "Okay," I said.

At this point, a male employee approached, and the female shouted rudely, "It's HER car!" The male glared at me and shouted, "You better get out of here or we're gonna call the police on you!" and the female sneered, "She wants to know WHY!!" and the male screeched, "WHY!? DON'T YOU KNOW THE EFFECTS!? BRAIN DAMAGE! THE HEAT!"

"Okay," I said, and continued calmly, "but you're being extremely rude." The female screeched, "I'M rude?!!" And male yelled, "MAYBE WE SHOULD CALL THE POLICE AND HAVE THEM EXPLAIN IT TO YOU!" I calmly asked, "Why are you treating me like I'm an idiot?" and the woman looked me square in the eye and said, "You ARE an idiot."

I then calmly set down the items that I had gathered onto the counter and said, "I won't be buying these." "GOOD!" screamed the woman. "Get out of here!" and I calmly said, "Wow. You are EXTREMELY insulting." And she sneered, "I'M insulting?" - at which point I simply calmly left the store.

The woman followed me out of the store as I walked to my car. She eyed my license plate and began mumbling the number to herself, then got in her car and drove away.

Throughout this encounter, I was calm, composed, dignified. I realize that it was not a good idea to leave my kids in the car, even for 5 minutes. I won't repeat this behavior. However, there is a correct way to convey this information or request to me from the employees at this store. Their behavior was completely inappropriate. It was beyond mere rudeness; it was insulting and definitely harrassment. I suspect that the extremeness of their offensive behavior may have been due to bigotry, but that is not the main issue here. The main issue is that I refuse to be treated that way. There are many, many ways this situation could have been handled differently on the part of the employees, such as, simply asking me POLITELY to get my children from the car. Their behavior needs to be checked and treatment like this needs to be stopped NOW.

Your Desired Resolution:
I expect a formal apology from the employees, from the manager, and from the company. I expect the appropriate formal disciplinary actions to be taken against the two offensive employees (such as termination), as well as new training offered for the all rest of the employees (including the manager) on customer's rights, company policy, social service skills, and sensitivity and anti-discrimination practices.

This case will be reviewed by a complaint specialist at the Better Business Bureau, and then forwarded to the business for their response. It is our policy to allow the business 10 working days to respond to your complaint. You will be notified when the business has responded.


********


I drove home and was sooooooooo angry I shaking. I called the police (how ironic!) and a woman told me IN A NICE WAY not to leave my kids in the car, even for a minute (yes, I know - istaghfirallah it was stupid) but that yes, their behavior was inappropriate (DUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). She said there was nothing the police could do, but that I should contact the Better Business Bureau, which as you can see, I did.

****
p.s. I didn't include this in my complaint, but what I really "suspect" is that they were EXTRA AGRESSIVE because I am muslim.

I didn't include that in the complaint, because then the complaint would have to go through a more formal legal system, and I didn't want to do that.

When I got home, my sister was there (b/c she lives there, LOL, since we're (hubby, myself & the kids) staying at my parents' house right now....it's a long story but don't worry it's all good, alhamdulileh and we are enjoying it until we can get a new place inshaAllah) and ANYWAY, my sister said, "Wow, _____'s aunt had trouble at that same place. They sent letters back and forth and the complaint she had was mistreatment because she's white and her husband is black."

So apparently the people in this store are hateful racist bigots who have had customer service "problems" before.

SubhanAllah!

***


UPDATE:

I wrote the above on a forum that I belong to for muslim women. One response I got was offering condolences due to the experience, advice not to repeat my own lack of judgement about the car thing (I won't inshaAllah! Alhamdulileh for the wake-up call to reality on my part), and she also thought that the treatment of those clerks was not due to me being muslim, since they were apparently going to talk to the owner of the car anyway. This was my response:

***
No, inshaAllah I won't ever do that again. I'm glad for that wake-up call that the reality is, it's a totally unsafe thing to do. Alhamdulileh for getting my attention.

However, I disagree that their behavior had anything to do with me being muslim.

YES, they were looking for the car's owner and probably going to advise that person. However, when they discovered that it was ME ("it's HER car!!!"), it seemed to spark something and trigger some serious hate.

The hate was seeping out from them. In retrospect, I was wondering if these 2 people were actually shayateen. I thought of going back and standing in front of them saying, "Autho billehi min ashaytan irrajeem" and seeing what happened! (I don't think I will, though)

These were not 2 kindly citizens who were so concerned for the welfare of my children. They seemed eager to attack and pounce upon ME, eager to have caught me doing something wrong so that they could verbally at least, punish me. They seemed like they HATED me - and it was more about ME than anything else.


A week later, I am still shaken. My father told the story to a friend of his yesterday, and the first thing out of his friend's mouth was, "It probably happened like that because of her whole muslim thing." (he's a nice man...he wasn't trying to be disrespectful by saying "whole muslim thing," - in his defense, he's actually quite open-minded)

It brought it all back to me - and it was strange to hear someone else confirm, first-off, that it was that extent of agression due to bigotry. I had thought so, and so did my family, but it was just strange to hear that that was obvious to someone else, too.

It has made me paranoid. I've had other rude comments, but never to that extent. It was amazingly terrible the way these people looked and talked at me.

It made me start to wonder how many more people feel that way about me in secret?

It is a TERRIBLE feeling that someone hates you without even knowing you.

I am afraid for my children. I want people to love them and to know them just as "Yehiya and Shams" - not, "those [weird - in their minds] muslim kids down the street."


It all made me start to think - for the first time really - that maybe I really FEEL (not just intellectually KNOW) that living in a muslim land is better for me and my family.

My son is almost 4. It feels like the cusp of leaving babyhood behind. MashaAllah, he seems so grown to me - a young boy. He is SO absorbent and aware of everything around him, mashaAllah.

I keep getting these little thoughts in the back of my head, a bit anxious, wondering, how hard is this going to be to raise my children here - when we are the VAST minority "OTHER."

How hard is it going to be to keep explaining, "We do this, we believe this - they don't" and have him love our way, respect our way - and feel that it is the NATURAL WAY TO BE (which it is).

I feel like it would be so much easier, I would feel so much safer, more secure, if EVERYONE AROUND US WAS MUSLIM. No one questions your actions, your faith. They accept it as the NATURAL WAY OF LIFE - and the more you do, MASHA'ALLAH! For the MOST part, people understand and respect where you're coming from on certain issues of day-to-day LIFE.

My husband and I had a little discussion about it (there's a lot of stuff going on in our lives right now, alhamdulileh, so this subject just got a liiitle bit of table time, mashaAllah!), and he asked me, "Do you think it would be easier to point out that other muslims are doing things we as muslims shouldn't do, or to explain that other people are just doing certain things because they're not muslim?"

I've thought for years now about this question. And I feel, simply, that it would just be easier to be surrounded by muslims - because of that basic understanding of what is right, and sharing a common love, and a common goal - whatever the level of knowledge or practice may be. It is a fundamental UNDERSTANDING.

Also, of course I've thought and thought about this since becoming a parent, but now I'm feeling it more and more - I think it's just going to be hard to be a muslim child surrounded by non-muslim children, non-muslim people almost everywhere you go - or don't go! - because they're also on TV, in movies, in ads, etc.

It's a visual impact that may be difficult to cut through, no matter how much you talk about what is right. If he sees very few people IN SOCIETY, IN THE LARGE WORLD (not talking about just masjid events, here) how is that going to effect him?

Allah knows best.

I am so full of thoughts and feelings about this subject right now.

I pray that Allah protects us, our families, our hearts - filling us with imaan and blessing us always with guidance on the straight path. I pray He will fill us with light and knowledge and protect us from evil, and bless us with all that is good in this world and in the hereafter. AMEEN. __________________


p.s. BBB update: they said they can't do anything.

so, the police can't do anything, the BBB can't do anything.....people can just treat each other any ol' way they want without any consequece........until Judgement Day!!!! muahahahahahahah

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Tagged: Let's Hope!

I just noticed that I was tagged on May 3rd by Umm Ibrahim! (thanks ukhti for thinking of me....sorry for getting back to you so late!)

LET'S HOPE!

Tagged by: Umm Ibrahim - Stranger in this Dunya
Rules:

1. ON your blog, post the Rules & 10 things you have HOPE for in your life.
2. LINK Tag 10 people (we want hope to spread people!) and LINK the person who tagged you.
3. Comment/Notify the 10 People they've been tagged.



I have the feeling my hopes are not going to be very original, since a lot of muslims have the same hopes :)

10 Things I HOPE for in my life:

1. I hope to avoid the punishment of the grave and reach Jannah - ditto, Umm I.

2. I hope to be able to bring up my children worshipping and loving Allah and being contented in their deen - ditto, Umm I.

3. I hope to learn more Qur'an, become more fluent in my reading of Qur'an and to be able to more fully implement what I read into my and my family's life - ditto, Umm I.

4. I hope that my mother, father, brother and sister will become muslim.

5. I hope that Allah will fill my marriage with blessings, love and happiness, and will protect and preserve it from everything that I do not hope for.

6. I hope to devote more time to reading - both for pleasure and for studying and seeking knowledge.

7. I hope to have the energy and motivation to be a teacher and facilitator for my children and myself to learn together, acquiring knowledge, skills, inspiration, and curiosity.

8. I hope to see the day where Muslims are able to stand up for themselves more effectively and unashamedly and make their voices heard - ditto, Umm I.

9. I hope to become more disciplined in pursuit of what I value.

10. I hope always to grow in my faith and improve myself. - ditto, Umm I.

I'll tag 5 people:

Safa
Umm Layla
Umm AbdurRahman
Mumina
Multicultural Muslimah

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